Gimme dat critique.

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Gimme dat critique.

Post  Nlaea on Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:06 pm

Righto. I'm writing a poem for my school's Alice in Wonderland performance 'cos I'm cool like that. As the title says, gimme dat critique. I want feedback ;~;

Run past the cat with the grin growing wider and wider
And past the white queen growing nicer and nicer
Past the rabbit growing whiter and whiter
And past the hare with the teeth growing larger and larger
Under the beast growing stranger and stranger
Head heavenwards so you're not any later
Run past the queen or your neck shall shatter
And past the twins growing fatter and fatter
The thicker the batter the better the platter
Hold the cup with your personal tatter
Don't lose the paper that conceals the patter
Be prepared to quiet the chatter
Clap your hands, clip clop clatter
And when it comes to the latter
You simply mumble the matter
But it's okay - you're just mad as a hatter.

Nlaea

Posts : 22
Join date : 2010-09-12

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Re: Gimme dat critique.

Post  Axilya on Wed Feb 09, 2011 2:54 pm

Some of the lines are too long in my opinion to fit with the rhythm. Perhaps removing "the cat" from the first line (so it's just "the grin growing wider and wider", as that would be easy for anybody to understand) and the "ands" would work. I can help you with it when you get home tonight.
Also, the hare line doesn't make much sense to me and I believe it would work just as well without it. Some of the other lines don't make perfect sense either, but I love the structure and some of the lines are pretty cute.

Axilya

Posts : 25
Join date : 2010-10-11
Age : 24
Location : Birmingham, UK

http://chufflepuff.tumblr.com/

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